Hey idiot, why are you still getting up at noon?

By Dan Nied

Getting up early goes against every instinct you have as a man. Remember how mad your mom got when you missed church every Sunday because you slept until 1 p.m.? Remember how you didn’t care? And how proud were you in college when, through a little strategic scheduling, you managed to avoid morning classes altogether? It was one of the happiest moments of your life.

But you aren’t in college anymore, idiot. So why are you still getting up at noon?

There comes a time when real life slaps you in the face. When you have to drag yourself to bed during the p.m. and actually wake up during the a.m. Yep, even if it is still dark. Why do you have to do this? Because society wants you too. Look, I don’t like it any more than you do. But after a post-college year of working from 2 p.m. to 10 p.m. for near-minimum wage, I realized that, yes, I can spend my entire adult life grinding against the grain of the real world in the name of individualism, but I could also die broke and alone.

Face it, your mother is right. You need to quit that swing shift job and get a 9-to-5 with good benefits, competitive pay and a reasonable schedule. You don’t want to? Well tough. You’re a man. Act like it.

Your boss? He doesn’t get up at noon. Your girlfriend? She hates dating a bona fide loser. Your more successful brother? He is ashamed of you. Your less successful brother? He’s trying to be just like you. And he’s succeeding.

At the very least, strive to get up by 10 a.m. The world somehow feels a little better when you can take the phrase “good morning” literally. You don’t have to be happy about it. But come on, man, get with the program.

After all, do you think Bear Grylls gets up at noon? Pssh. By the time you crawl out of bed, Bear’s already shimmied across two canyons and eaten 17 rare South American black-toed scorpions.

No, you aren’t going to be Bear Grylls. But you can have a little self respect.

Part of a series I am doing for http://themanfaq.com which rocks my world every day. You should probably check it out.